The Mall of Champions

The Mall of Champions (#TiD-13) Max

SCENE SET »  The air was so cold, you could feel you tets hardening in response underneath your sweater, which if you were a guy like Ulysses who was wearing a wool sweater proved to be kind of itchy. The bus had dropped him off at the edge of the parking lot to the mall of America. It wasn't quite seven yet and already the parking lot looked like a sea of forgotten junkers and clunkers. Ulysses estimated that he had a good half-mile to walk through the snow and poor plowed sections of parkingklot to get to the front gates of hell, i.e. the actual Mall entrance.

Due to the depth of snow that had fallen AND all the idiot in the parking lot who were still patrolling it in hopes of inheriting a parking spot, Ulysses had had quite the little adventure just trying to get to the mall entrance. It was not 8:15 and he had already prevented two stabbings, fallen in six puddles, give one person the will to live, and resisted the urge to go buy a gun at least twenty times.

Where did Minnesota get these people?

On the way to the Mall Ulysses had fantasized about getting an eggnog milkshake. He had wanted one all season, but that had proved to be a very very very silly wish. Given how cold and soaked he was now, he was fantasizing about an eggnog lotta, the more scalding the better. Also dry clothes. Noticing a Ross Dress for Less, Ulysses smiled to himself. It wasn't going to be his proudest moment, but at least it'd be a dry kind of humiliation, right?

It was while he was in the dressing room considering a pair of turd colored corduroys or manure colored corduroys that Ulysses felt himself being seized upon by the fates. The Hulk was coming to the Mall of America. Why? Why not, seems like everyone else did since they put a stupid sub in the middle of the mall. Seriously, who puts a submarine in a mall and then actually pilots it around -- submerged -- in a mall? Seriously, who thinks this stuff up? Who! Who.

Moment later, Ulysses came too, he had to get out of the mall before the Hulk came. More importantly, he had to get everyone else the hell out of the mall too. He looked at his crap colored choices and shrugged, then walked out of the changing room in his underwear which was mildly soaked and over to the men's department where he calmly grabbed the nice pair of boxers he could find, some warm socks and a really really nice pair of slacks which would have been consider nice even in a K-Mart or a Target! He also grabbed some sweaters, stopping only to check the materials to see if they were flame retardant.

Three minutes later, dressed in the best clothing he could find in a short period of time, he ran out of the dressing room as the sweaters he grabbed slowly began to burn. He set them in a trashcan so there was no danger of them causing a real fire and given the fabric blend the most they would do was smoke and fume - but that was enough to get whoever in Ross who knew where the fire alarm was to pull it.

Was this reckless? Yes. Would some people get hurt trying to escape a mall they thought to be on fire? Yes. But they'd live to see another day of shopping and or working or whatever it was they came and did here in this hell hole thats for sure. Or at least that was what Ulysses was hoping as he quickly followed everyone else being escorted out of the Ross - talk about no cash and carry huh?

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